Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
A dad and his duck
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs