“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.