Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned