At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
How it started How it’s going
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog