Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Sex so good you see dead people.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.