Love is in the air fryer.
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Hey I worked for it too!
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Lmaoo 😂
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Those are good neighbors.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.