What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
You Might Also Like
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
cry laughing at this shit
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes