Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.