People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.