A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job