I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
You Might Also Like
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I’m sorry…what?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn