The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra