Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months