You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?