Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Shortcut
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will