god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.