Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch