Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
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[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.