Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy