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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Not messing around
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.