“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
You Might Also Like
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
i meant to share this earlier
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.