(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I don’t know what to do