[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
mathematically impossible
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal