I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE