Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.