How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”