I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…