911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Lmao the reply