I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
How to woo a woman
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.