*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Saturday
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that