She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood