The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”