*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george