[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
You Might Also Like
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.