You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
You Might Also Like
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*ernest hemingway voice*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.