Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.