WHY?!
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭