It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.