Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed