Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”