Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
my nickname in college
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
had to make it
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly