After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now