My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.