If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework