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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year