As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You Might Also Like
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory