Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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Sign at work today
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Möther may I have a snäck
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”