ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?