Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
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This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.