Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
So the ex texted me
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops